Chapter 2: Thinking Aloud

I just messaged my ex.

To become friends again?

Does it really work?

Time to test the theory.

Or was it a big mistake?

today was the last straw.

it was annual dinner.

everyone looking nice and pretty.

she was as well.

i saw her at the lobby. i said hey…. i like ur hair.

she barely looked at me and said thanks.

i asked for a picture with her.

she reluctantly agreed, while muttering we have to go now to the ballroom.

i wasn’t her date.

her friend was more important than me.

her attention was focused on her. taking photos.

she barely noticed me. much less said anything nice….u know…say, u look sharp or anything?

yup, she lost her feelings for me for quite a while already.

I HATE her for not having the courtesy to tell me it has been over for quite a while already.

i tot we could work it out. apparently she had made up her mind already.

The nex 4 hours was the most painful. sitting next to her, the other seat was empty. i had no one to talk to to. So i focused on eating….eating….and watching the entertainment at the stage.

food was ok. rather disappointing actually. for 100 bucks, i can eat better at a buffet.

entertainment was pretty good. we had Real DJs on Radio on stage….making everyone laugh and entertained.

that soothed the pain somehow.

i tried to make the best of the evening….taking photos with all of my classmates….my old buddies…basically anyone i felt was a friend.

except her.

intially at the start, i tried to be nice….asking what food she wanted at the table… she declined…she’ll do it herself.

after that, she never really bothered to speak to me….focusing all her attention on her girlfriend. her date.

i had it. so clearly it over. brilliant timing.

It’s painful enough it ended, it’s even more painful when the dinner was supposed to be romantic….bringing dates, dancing….mushy songs…

do you know how painful it is to hear such songs when such a thing is happening? When you’re ignoring the one you fell head over heels.

i never felt so alone, embarassed, disappointed ever.

it’s ever more painful when ur seating where couples are seating as well. they act sweet together and all. and here you are, ignoring the ‘date’ you were supposed to be with. ur girlfriend. or should i say, EX.

fuck. i wished i could have sat at another table.

if only she Fucking told me it was Over.

I could have asked another girl out for it.

damnit, i should have done so.

i mean, i already knew i was not her ‘date’ for the night.

today, i really witnessed how cold she can be.

it’s amazing really…how such a good thing can turn sour quickly.

I can’t believe i managed to act a bit normal…just ignoring bad stuff are happening.

i took photos. i chatted with old friends and all.

but eventually it felt to be an empty night.

i suppose she saved me the trouble of breaking up with her.

i dumped her right there when i had it. I thought today could be the day we would patch up things.

i should have known bettter.

it’s over.

i will do cleansing soon.

i just deleted her from multiply, friendster and msn.

next thing will be the phone. but only after we finish the project we’re still together in. fuck.

honestly, right now…i never want to see her ever again.

after that, i will have totally no contact with her whatsoever.

i will move on. watch me. she will regret losing me. i’ll make the next girl the luckiest girl ever=)

the hurt is deep. i never thought it would end up like this.

the breakup is sad. or maybe good in a way. we never said a thing. we just knew that instant.

she left with her girlfriend. they’re staying overnight at the hotel where the dinner was held.

maybe she likes girls instead?

damnit.

going back, i was with some friends….a couple actually.

she’s really gorgeous. and yes, he’s such a lucky guy.

sigh. it’s really rubbing in the wound when you see couples acting sweet and all.

i had enough.

via MSN.

i confronted her that i felt how i seem to be losing her. Apparently it was just stress intially and that she tended to isolate herself during these times and get over it herself.

however it became a much more serious talk. we voiced out our main concerns and it seems we’re both on very unsure grounds.

i don’t think i can sleep properly today. The conversation we had will keep me awake. I will think a lot for sure.

It’s a whole load of emotions right now. everything feels heavy. *sigh*

we online talked from around 1 plus to 3 plus in the morning. the gaps betweens our answers were a bit long…some 5 minutes….sigh.ya, we thought a lot about our answers.

sadly, i’m thinking she’s hinting of an imminent breakup. I was feeling similarly too the past few days.

but after this conversation i realized i want to give it a shot. I want to take that risk. I want to overcome the mountains. I want to make it work.

but it’s all contingent on her. she’s gonna think things through. she’s not sure about a lot of things. like she mentioned how we were really different and i asked her if what drew us together would be enough to overcome it….she says she’s not sure.

heck, she might be the want to initiate the breakup on the grounds of potential long distance relationship problems and personality differences.

and what do i do? I frankly don’t know how i would react when that arises.

sigh.

it’s times like these when i wish the ground would just swallow me up.

arr..i’m so emo these days….but i can’t help it.

this relationship stuff is tough. i had no idea it would be this hard.

the next few days will prove monumental.

I woke up to the tone of my phone informing i have a message. no two.

from her.

she has family duties and thus won’t be able to spend my bday with me next friday.

ouch.

life is cruel.

i just hope it ain’t an april fool’s joke cuz it’s not funny.

then again, she ain’t the type to do so.

maybe this a preview of a Long distance relationship where circumstances make it difficult to meet and celebrate each other’s birthday.

nope, we’re not even in a LDR yet.

i suddenly have second thoughts about being in a LDR.

*sigh*

i think the song ‘kisapmata’ by rivermaya fits how i feel at the moment.

then again, i’m just insecure at the moment i guess. lately it has generally been a rollercoaster of emotions. i don’t know how to control my emotions. especially with regards to her. coupled with pressure from school, job search….i feel i wanna just disappear for a while… i mean literally.

heck tomorrow it might be ‘top of the world’ by carpenters.

**

Rivermaya-kisapmata

Nitong umaga lang,
Pagka lambing-lambing
Ng iyong mga matang
Hayup kung tumingin.
Nitong umaga lang,
Pagka galing-galing
Ng iyong sumpang
walang aawat sa atin.
O kay bilis namang
Maglaho ng
Pag-ibig mo sinta,
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.
Kanina’y narlang o ba’t
Bigla namang nawala.
Daig mo pa ang isang kisapmata.
Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka ganda-ganda
Ng pagkasabi mong
Sana’y tayo na nga.
Kani-kanina lang,
Pagka saya-saya
Ng buhay kong
Bigla na lamang nagiba.

today we had some interesting conversation…

i mentioned casually to her i wanna see the place where she lives and of course her bedroom =P

apparently doing so is equivalent to meeting her clan of relatives since they live close to each other.

i kidded around and said….surely we can slip unnoticed? apparently not. she stays with her brother and cousin…and her grandma lives 2 houses away. and yes, they will inquire and ask, she said.

just like me she hasn’t mention to her family that we’re seeing each other. Though she suspects her dad knows.

as for me, i’m not ready to spill the beans yet. I don’t know what to expect. They probably think i’m gay or something…lol. considering i never really talk bout girls at home. conversations at home are pretty much relatively harmless.

if they only knew.

oh, and there’s this sort of thing my mom told me i high school….was at jollibee eating with my parents. somehow our conversation went to the topic of girlfriends. Not exactly an order but my mom told me these girlfriend stuff is for after graduation only…when u start working.

my reaction was: waah…ang tagal naman! (waah…so long???)

so ya, i sorta rebelled. lol.

i dunno. maybe i’m not ready to handle all the questions they’ll throw at me..esp. mom’s.

they’ll probably think we’re gonna get married or something soon.

marriage.is.the.last.thing.on.my.mind.

and it seems we’re on equal grounds.

today she revealed that she looks to focus on career intially….hoping for opportunities of short stints around the globe…. before eventually settling down.

i feared that this relationship had to end if it had to come down to being a long distance relationship. i feared she was not alright with it.

so she implying that long distance relationships will be alrite…gives me hope and confidence that this relationship can work should it eventually come down to that.

oh rite, coming back to meeting the clan….so ya, apparently once you meet one relative…you’ll have to meet the rest. 0_0

which is a lot by the way. around 50+

i told her: how is it fair??? you meet my immediate family (4) and i get to see ur entire clan. lol

for one, there’s the language barrier. yup, need to pick up mandarin soon. hee

and yes, culture…. how do chinese families operate…traditions…customs…etc.

well, i suppose it works both side. she’ll has to meet these challenges too.

it should prove interesting.

anyway, she suggested that our group (for one project) go singapore…for a week long vacation. after the final exams.

i said i was cool with that since i’ll be going back there anyway after exams.

then i suggested she dropping by for dinner at home. i.e. meet my parents.

she sort of panicked. in an amusing way. she said it’ll freak her out.

i told her…my mom is very nice….will just ask you a million questions =P

anyway…it’s too early for these things i suppose. let things make it’s path.

then again she had some migraine attack.

as such she was not feeling well, short on temper, irritable, sleepy, tired…etc…etc.

as such i became the victim, lashing out however innocent it may seem at every little thing.

i didn’t like it.

i got ignored. she can be wicked when in a terrible mood. don’t touch me she said. she says What? (irritated voice)

i didn’t argue back. i didn’t want to stress her further.

eventually the migraine will wear off and she’ll be in a decent mood again.

the girl i fell for.

but looking years down the road…what if these attacks become frequent?

can i actually stand her during those times?

maybe if she tried to be nicer during stress times and stop snapping at every little thing.

i also have my limit in patience.

and when i’m in a bad mood, i stay away. until i get over it.

mood swings.

how volatile.

then again, maybe if she exercised more she’ll be in a better health position.

sigh.

but i suppose i can be more understanding and patient.

i think she needs that from me.

what a rollercoaster.

edit: she apologized.

all is well

i still very much like her. hee

rite… so as i was leaving the toilet…i saw a classmate of mine going towards my gf and then asked for a hug. she gave one though not exactly a full hug. yup, the timing was just great. he hitting on her…and me leaving as if i didn’t see anything. but of course i did. and my instinct says she saw me too. brilliant. an old friend of mine hitting on my gf. i think its a confirmation he has interest on her too. he’s the guy who keeps putting me down despite being apparently my ‘friend’. Last time…in front of her, he insulted me by saying that i am a ‘lame duck’ for allowing my gf to make the decisions about groupings and all…and that i have no ‘power’ apparently. And time and time again, he would be asking me ‘where did ur gf go?’ Did you see her? And yes, she’s part of the committee my friend runs. So he uses that to initiate contact with her on the grounds of ‘academic work’. And yesterday, he said my team (basketball) sucks. I kept my cool instead of lashing out at him….that you can’t even play basketball….what gives you the right to say my team sucks? Fuck off. Instead….I simply agreed to his assertion to avoid any discussion whatsover.

I dunno…i think our relationship has deteriorated over the years. Friends don’t put you down right? heh, i wonder what else he does behind my back….hit on her via sms’s?

sigh. i dunno lar. But this was plain obvious and done right in front me.

i guess it’s jealousy and anger i’m feeling at this moment. and yes, i’m not thinking logically…it’s all emotions at the moment. maybe some time would help me regain my sanity and think more clearly.

but ya, if i see him explicitly hitting on her again….our friendship will be very over. I’m gonna quit his club….and ya, try to avoid any contact with him whatsover.

as for her…i dunno wat to say. maybe she secretly fancies him too. I remember how she comments that he’s cute in certain ways…my instinct tells me they have a good rapport.

well…i don’t really like controlling and imposing rules etc….esp…considering this is my 1st relationship. She’ll probably think i’m a green eyed controlling freak if i confront this to her. But if her commitment is going to be spotty….i tend not to have much patience with such things. I value loyalty a lot. So ya, i think if it continues that way….I just have to end it…. no matter painful it is.

ok rite…maybe u guys are right in thinking i’m overreacting and all….. but i offer no apology.

that’s just how i feel right now.

as for now, i’ll let time do her wonders…and hopefully things get better somehow.

**

so rite…betrayal…. a friend and co-committee of my basketball club….. pulled out of my team at last minute.

he also refused to help out in any ways for the tourney. and yes, considering i asked him to be in my committee….he hasn’t done a single shit for this massive event of our club.

i feel betrayed. I don’t like pointing out obvious stuff. Once again, it’s another issue of commitment.

early on u showed a good amount of commitment. Now, it’s practically nil.

and worse of all…u didn’t even bother to help out….or even give words of encouragement or good luck.

wat a friend indeed….. screw you.

ok, fine…so i saw this really pretty girl today. she was watching the games i think. this is the 2nd time i saw her. the first time i saw her a few weeks ago…i was starstruck too. couldn’t help it somehow. she had a lovely smile.

i feel a bit guilty. since i’m in a relationship. i suppose it’s bad to take notice of gals in this circumstances. ok..fine…i just hope i never bump into that girl anytime soon. lol.

do girls in relationships think similar thoughts…say they meet really nice guys and all…

how would they handle it?

how should I handle these circumstances?

oh well, it can’t be that bad. i didn’t even attempt a conversation. but i couldn’t help but look at her. i’m so weak. then again, i wonder if she does the same?

rite…i shouldn’t be redirecting attention.

i should just shut up..forget the girl exists….and ya, try to spend more time with her. though i feel she should attempt to do so too. sometimes i feel it’s just me trying to advance this thing. or maybe she’s not the kind of girl who wants too much attention from the guy.

gah..i’m getting sick thinking and hypothesizing.

people are complex. nuff said.

well, yesterday was technically our 1st month anniversary…at least from my books.

no declarations or greetings whatsoever (heck, she probably forgot it was anyway)…..

but i had a great time with her yesterday….from the trip to orphanage, to getting stuff in the supermarket and especially in the party.

classmates were present and she was not trying to be discreet about our relationship. So i tot that was a pretty good sign. I guess the whole class now know about us. Nothing to hide or anything. I guess she’s rather comfortable now

It’s a relief really. I tot this game of secrecy would continue on.

I tot i saw her really sweet side today

As conservative as she might seem, i think she’s a catch. hee

**

on valentine’s day, she gave me a card and a loot of chocolates

yeah, we’re doing it japanese style so it would be my turn to give her a barrage of chocolates a month from now. lol

i suppose cards and chocolates might be cheaper a month from now? haha