Chapter 2: Thinking Aloud

Joinin the bandwagon =P

I just realized how relatively young the net (as we know it) is…

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1) Dial Up in 1997…. *makes tteeetttweweetteeeetteeet sound* ok.fine, i can still remember the sound of it connecting… hahaha

2) I was a magic dork back then so I was hooked on reading strategy articles, deck lists and the shit.

3) My dad gave me the password to the connection. hahaha…such power.

4) accidentally bumped into pron sites. sheesh, evil they are. sometimes they become the homepage automatically for no reason. i remember i panicked once. for some magic reason, i was able to get back everything to normal and they not knowing. lol.

5) My first email was with yahoo. I still use it. lol

6) I went through this phase where i joined all sorts of newletters and groups….bam, Spam was born. 2mb is sooo not cool. haha

7) Xanga. first blog. 2003. tried blogspot, blurty, modblog, tabulas and other sites. i have settled quite nicely here in blogsome =)

8) RBJ- the only forum i sorta trusted and got to know decent people and cool blogs.
met up and became friends with the manila rbjers. =)

9) youtube.multiply.friendster.flickr.jobstreet.wikipedia.urbandictionary etc etc…… frequently visited sites have become part of my daily ritual. life has changed since then.

10) amazon. for a short while, i could shop with a debit card. weeee….books overload. lol
then it ended. bah..

11) Now i look forward when i can do online banking and internet dating. whatever that means. haha

1) I realize i become i hostile when people are hostile or acts they have a problem with me…even if they don’t really have a problem with me. I dunno. Their mere act of arrogance or hostility gets my hostility genes going. Is that normal or it’s just me?

2) Pain/Pleasure. I’ve been *tasked* to listen to this self help tape thingy…. and apparently we’re all driven to what we do by these 2 principles.

we avoid/procrastinate doing things because it’s painful.
we do things because it’s pleasurable.
We do things that are painful because if we don’t do it, it’s even more painful. hence, the lesser pain of the two.

I find it fascinating.

I’ve been applying this in my decisions. So when i feel like procrastinating with something, i focus on the pain i’ll endure when i don’t do it.

eg. If i don’t study, mom will keel me.

or let’s say i focus on the pleasure instead….

If i study, I’ll be a dork. yay. lol

i feel restless.

rest-less.

it’s like i need constant distraction.

there’s something missing.

something important.

threads to be unwinded.

i wish i could find it.

I was trying to contact a grade school friend by YM…this is what she replied when i said i started working here…

since when did you start to work here? and why in the philippines, why not abroad? this country is poor you know.

this has been a favorite question of employers, and co-workers…. why? why?

first of all, it was not my choice that i left the country. i loved the pinoy way of life and i thought when we went back in 94…it was gonna be for good. i was gonna graduate from the elite universities in the country…and the path was ready.

but it was not too be.

yes, a lot of people are poor, but i blame it on corruption and poor family planning, etc.

i think the country is rich in resources, talent and brilliant minds.

we just have to will the country out of its mediocrity. that’s how i see it.

yes, very idealistic i know.

but i remain hopeful and positive that we can get ourself out of the mess we have gotten into.

yes, the lure of money outside is very real….i mean, i don’t discount the possibility i’ll venture outside for career purposes and the like…

but this will be always my country, and if it’s citizens won’t love it, who else will?

so i was reading this article about convenience friendships:

-friendships that evolve when you share something with that person. But when that shared activity or thing is gone, the friendship falls apart too.

-friendships that happen because it’s convenient. I.e. because you’re in the same class…classmates..coursemates…club-friends. But once that is over, the connection falters. The friendship fades away.

So i guess friendship is never eternal. There are only a few i would consider real friends. That’s because we made a real connection beyond what we shared or experienced.

It’s been a month since classes are over. A good amount of my coursemates have found work in their home countries. I rarely see them online anymore. hence, i have no reason to chat much. It’s quiet. I can feel the lost of connection. University days, We were all practically online much of the time. We shared stories, assignment help, etc. Now it’s over. Living apart through distance, the shared connection is gone.

I guess that was one thing i feared once university was over. The eventual fading away of relationships. It’s only in memories where those happy days will be crystal clear.

And there’s this apparent ‘friends’ i have. people who wanna contact you to ask for a favor. Not exactly to catch up. You know…I’m a friend only when i’m useful.

i wonder how you can truly make friends.

bah.

but it was futile.

so i got my final results. i didn’t make it to my expectation.

sigh.

now i get discriminated for some jobs. i don’t make their academic cut apparently.

well, now what…

oh well..i tried.

maybe they mark harshly.

i felt i did better than what they gave.

or maybe i was too optimistic.

i don’t know.

oh well..thats life.

i will prove them wrong.

I will prove to MYSELF that i can. I think this is more important than proving others wrong.

we trudge on.

my kneecap hurts.

Its because of the stupid long chair that blocks the path to the home phone.

Or maybe i just can’t jump properly.

Anyway, the phone was ringing frantically. I was at the computer. I made my way to the annoying phone but was blocked by the stupid chair. Lazy as i am to walk to the other side, I tried jumping over it to the small gap near the phone. I managed to do so, but not without hitting the hard wood of the chair smack in the kneecap.

fucking hell. I still blame the chair.

i dunno. maybe my arms are not straight or something. Sometimes i find myself extending it for some reason…and the next thing u know, there is some sharp piercing pain that accompanies it. for like a minute or so…I felt paralyzed and could just groan in pain my bed…cursing my ass off….

I dunno..maybe a lack of stretching? wrong angles? i have no fucking idea.

i need new arms.

really.

so i’m done with exams.

for now.

its a weird feeling.

it’s like a very heavy weight was removed from me…but at the same time, a bigger one is imposed.

i feel sad to be no longer a student.

somehow i felt safe in the university.

i was protected.

i was supported.

now if it’s like me against the world or something like that.

its weird.

i felt happy when the examiner said exam is over.

i felt sad.

we hung around pretty much outside.

took a couple of pics.

everyone was rather sad. no one cried of course. but u could see the general feeling.

we tried to light up. smile. jokes.

but eventually a heavy feeling was evident.

well mine was.

i didn’t want to be alone.

a hug would have been nice.

i just simply didn’t want to be alone.

that’s why i’m desperate to go back home tomorrow.

yeah, we’re off the beach. but essentially it’s a goodbye as well.

uggh…goodbyes.

i hate goodbyes.

i met her today. what a sad goodbye. in fact, it wasn’t exactly a goodbye. i guess she had her issues regarding us. she don’t want to linger on it anymore.

sigh.

i need to let go. totally.

i was thinking of remaining being friends and all…but i think its a futile attempt.

so, ya…we’ll just leave it to that and move on.

my final night in my accomodation room. so empty.

i dun feel like sleeping tonight. its a weird feeling. you’re tired. but you can’t bring yourself to be alone with yourself.

heh, i have got to know more controversy now.

but i dun really care much at the moment.

its been an eventful year.

a rollercoaster.

finally it arrives.

goodbye.

thank you all.