Chapter 2: Thinking Aloud

Sorry, I wish i had addressed that issue more properly.

it probably would have ended on a better note.

I hope you are doing well and in the best of health.

Tagged by Angeli

Rules:

The first player of this game starts with the “6 weird things/habits about yourself” and people who get tagged need to write a blog of their 6 weird habits/things, as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read yours.

1) For a guy, i’m terribly bad in pushups. lol
2) I like to have a lot of “to-do” things. It’s one way to keep me awake and productive over the night.
3) I can speed-read =P
4) I read self help books to feel better. lol
5) I sometimes imagine i am calvin. with a pet named hobbes. hahaha
6) I fancy myself being a basketball commentator at times. I made a clip introducing 76ers players to the court. lol

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1)Argee
2) G
3) I invented this one: tensai yakong. lol

THREE THINGS YOU CAN’T STAND:
1) Standing in a long Q
2) Fools in the customer service. Hello, you’re paid to be courteous and all.
3) People who have no courtesy to reply to emails/sms/etc

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1) Being useless
2) Silence and Loneliness
3) slimy creatures.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SHOWS:
1) THat 70s show
2) Becker
3) Third Rock from the sun

THREE OF YOUR CURRENT FAVORITE SONGS:
1) Alizee- moi lolita
2) Alanis- You learn
3) POD- youth of the nation

THREE MOVIES YOU WOULD LIKE TO WATCH:
1. lolita
2. da vinci code
3. x men 3

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. caffeine
2. Blog-surfing
3. Fantasizing

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. shirt
2. short
3. underwear

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. intimacy
2. freedom
3. respect

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE GENDER THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. legs
2. eyes
3. smile

THREE BAD HABITS:
1. killing people online (its a fun bad hobby…lol)
2. procrastinating
3. impatient at times

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Blogging / Blog surfing
2. Reading
3. Library/Bookstore Browsing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Get a job
2. Marry alizee….(lol..damn, i become the 2nd husband)
3. Surround myself with loads of pets

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING PURSUING:
1. strategic consultant
2. management accountant
3. financial planner

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. scotland
2. japan
3. europe

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. travel the world in style
2. end world poverty
3. relationship bliss

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A Man:
1. I >3 alizee
2. I watch movies simply because of eyecandies
3. I go to askmen.com everyday

INITIALS OF THREE CRUSHES:
1. SK
2. Alizee
3. A

**

hmm..will figure out who to tag. even strangers…lol

i confess.

i had an online stalker once. well, i felt it was something like it.

it was via myspace.

i was new to it…and i was bored one night and started instant messaging this gal. yes, from mother country.

blah.blah.blah.

now they had this function back them where u could ‘kiss’ them or ’slap’ or was it ‘whack’ ?? them i think…..i can’t remember clearly (i wanted to erase this thing from memory u see…lol)

so ….we were flirting and all…and each time she ‘kissed’ me in that first chat…..i ‘whacked’ her back. it was fun apprarently.

anyway i got her number that night. and sms her with an apology…cuz my computer hanged and it was early morning already…so have to sleep and all..hehe

after which we exchanged a couple of emails….and some ‘planned’ chat-times via YM. Now last time i did not have internet in my room…so i had to blardy go to cybercafe just to chat with her.

and early on..i felt uncomfortable.

i felt she was desperate to have a boyfriend of some sort.

it was a bit creepy. but i humoured her.

she would be like…”do i look pretty?” and then act “gah…u must have gf and all” and of course i’ll go defensive and all…lol

i remember she mentioned she had some voice problem of some sort and that i would hate her if i heard her speak. of course, being the nice guy i am, i said…it won’t bother our ‘friendship’ somehow.

she was approaching 18 that year…so ya, impt. year..debut and all…

i congratulated and her and all…and then she emailed me saying how she mentioned ME!!!! in her debut speech or something in front of her family, relatives and all….

i was referred to as ’special friend’ .

OMFG.

i was creeped out. the folks know me?

i’m very cautious with giving my identity. not that i’m an evil criminal and all..but ya, i value privacy..haha

i thought that was the final straw.

we barely knew each other online for like a month or so….and me is considered ’special friend’ already.

sure, we exchanged emails, a couple of chats, and sms…. but nothing deep that warrants me as such..lol

i deleted her from friendster after that. i closed my myspace account too.

and yes, her number too. lol

the internet is dangerous i tell ya.

**

heh, maybe i should give myspace a shot again. It’s a ground to meet people (in theory) and it has 4x more users than friendster. lol

yeah..4x more chance of meeting crazy people. =P

i mean writing that is…so ya, another emo post. it seems that has been the trend of this blog so far. my multiply tries to mask that reality. oh well….

heh, so this is what heart-wrenching feels i suppose. it’s like someone squeezing your heart for no reason. not fun at all.

i’m starting to see your point of view. your doubts are becoming my doubts. your concerns become mine too. It’s all opening up.

you seem to leave it to fate. que sera sera. whatver happens, happens.

it seems you have resigned. you have lost faith. you wash your hands to remove any sense of accountability.

bahala na

yes, tomorrow i’ll act normal. as if nothing significant has happened. all in a day’s work. another day of acting.

eventually you’ll tell me it’s not worth the trouble. the potential heartache.

i have a feeling it’ll come via a letter. since my birthday is approaching. yeah, you’ll probably give me a birthday card out of goodwill. But with it comes the truth.

and ya, i’ll be contemplating on my birthday every word you write there.

yup, what a brilliant way to spend that day. alone. contemplating.

i wonder what you’ll write there. no actually, i think i know what you will write.

you probably dun want to be that vulnerable to tell it straight to me.

so ya, the letter which you have prepared quite well will do the trick.

from then on, we would rarely speak to each other. the spark is gone.

yes, we still have a stupid annual dinner to go to. and we’re still in a stupid assignment together.

great. just great.

i don’t know what to think. I want to leave you with space and time to think it through.

Am i worth it?

it works for me too. Are you worth it?

they say love conquers all. but really, does it?

i said in the previous entry…i want to risk it… know what, it can’t work cuz if i jump and u don’t jump as well, who will save me? at least if we both jump, we can try to save each other. then again, we both can’t swim…so we probably shouldn’t be jumping in the water. lol. can’t believe i can find humor at the moment.

ah yes, personal differences. you have not elaborated on it yet. should u elaborate on it, what would i find out?

well, maybe in our case..it’s true opposites attract. except it seems to be temporary. no?

then again, maybe it’s for the best.

we’re young. we’re confused. we don’t know what we want. we’re gonna meet loads of other people. new experiences. etc.etc. etc.

i should think this was a learning experience. but it was fun i tell you. i have no regrets really.

i learned. i grew.

it happened for a reason.

we’ll find that out eventually.

see, i have resigned this to fate as well.

cuz you see, i derive inspiration from you.

the moment you told me you believed me you were committed and that a LDR was possible. i believed it too. totally.

now, it’s very cloudy. there’s a fog.

final 50+ days. enlighten me please.

I’m sorry….but maybe it’s just not meant to be.

Dear ???,

i dunno..maybe i’m paranoid….insecure..but the following signs do not make me feel good at all.

1. You refuses to acknowledge that i’m the bf..well at least within friends and all….if someone refers to you as my gf…you’ll be like, oi!!! and there’ll be a slight pain in my stomach.

At least a smile would have been enough. Are you not comfortable with this thing? What are you insecure about? You want to be ’single’ but committed??? Or Am i not good enough? Not something to be proud of?

You have to realize when people start asking me what’s up with us, i’ll be finding it hard to gladly declare that we’re a couple if you’re hesistating in that way. What am i suppose to say? tell me….just meekly smile??? that’s pathetic u know!

Is this all going to be in some ‘limbo’ kind? Is this all gonna be some unsure thing? I mean sure in private you make it seem we’re in a relationship…but outside…we’re just good pals? Wow, a double life eh? kind of hard dun you thing?

So is this gonna be a one semester kind of ‘fling’? No commitments….it’s just the pleasure of having your company kind of thing.

If that’s the case, i rather boot out now. it’s not good for the heart.

And to think we have these wonderful ideas of future trips in the future. I suppose they’re just silly bullshit then.

2) I’m starting to think i’m dating an angel….and i think i’d like someone with a devilish side….

U get uncomfortable when i say that girls check out guy’s asses? Wow.

U get uncomfortable when i teasefully suggest that ’something’ will happen your all-girl’s night out? Again. wow.

I dunno… i dun think it has reach to any serious level of ‘pervetedness’ as you seeming to argue.

I’m just being a guy.

Well, i suppose it could be due to your upbringing or something…

but if we can’t playfully talk about such things, i just think such a relationship will be terribly boring.

**

wow, this is one of the more painful, hurt, angry posts i have written. oh well…it just had to get out of me. keeping it inside would have been more troublesome.

worst comes to worse it’s going to be a Long distance relationship.

can i handle it?

not really feeling positive about it at the moment.

sigh.

i dunno…i’m getting doubtful again.

what if this is just a game for her and i’m the idiot who fell for the trap?

what if i went tell her and she says the classic line of ‘let’s just be friends’?

what if she can really that be that cold? ouch.

her online persona could do some retouching.

what if flirting and just being playful with boys is just her style? jealousy sucks. really.

what’s wrong with me?

maybe i should just back down to protect my heart?

do i think too much?

perhaps she sees no future. so whats the point rite?

maybe i should shut up, buckle down to work and forget girls exist.

and bury myself in work, and more work. or maybe comp. games. *meek smile*

should i even confront her and ask what really is the status or should i just play along and wait for her to tell it?

actions speak louder than words? but words do mean a lot too. at least for me.

it’s times like this i feel truly human. with emotions and all. its a weird feeling. refreshing yet is a heavy feeling. sigh.

i think i should find it tomorrow. come clean and move on from it. whatever the result may be.

face it like a man. watever. i’m feeling like a dork at the moment.

on hindsight, maybe i should have follow my mom’s advice: dating, etc is to be done after univ.
maybe things will be a bit easier to handle.

but it’s not a crime to fall for someone, yes? or maybe its not falling for her. perhaps if i block her out for while, i’ll forget her? or discover it was mere infatuation.

but they say, the more you resist, the more it persists.

ok, i should stop lest i can’t get any work done today.

arrr…i confessed i liked her.

sort of.

indirectly.

me: so do you act on your crushes?
she: not really. a bit. i’m rather conservative. i don’t make much moves.
she: how about you?
me: err. ya. when the opportunity is there to talk and get to know the girl.
she: what do you do?
me: umm, first i try to know if the girl is single cuz i dun like being a third party.
she: how do you do that?
me: *grin* usually indirectly..hehe
she: when was the last time you did that?
me: you lah.
she: *laughs*

topic switches somehow.

arr. a slip. now she knows. darn. actually she SHOULD know. after all this attention on her. hehe

oh well….at least now she knows.

haih.

so i really enjoy my limited time with her. Today we had a good hour to just chat over coffee (both of us skipped class for that =P) it revolved from movies…to flowers…to career…etc… I found out her favorite flowers are orchids and that roses are overrated (ya, i agree too)… it’s just too bad valentine’s day here is during holiday cuz it seems it will fall under chinese new year. so she’ll be probably home during that time. so will i. sigh. oh well, i guess a nice bouquet of orchids will await her for her birthday. (apparently it has been becoming common. flowers as gifts…no?)

anyway…she drops this hint that she probably is not ready for a relationship until she graduates. in as much her family tease her about bfs and all…she doesn’t seem to be interested in such things yet. or at least thats what my gut feeling says. darn, i should have casually mentioned something like…”So, ur not interested in relationships until graduating.” tsk tsk….

compatability. how important is that? would people click if they didn’t quite share a good amount of common interests? i dun think we share a lot of common interests. yes, we’re both introverts but i also enjoy a good amount of outdoor activities like sports….and going out…etc. Well, movies she likes…. so thats good…but interaction in movies are limited. i dun exactly see how effective is that in getting to know someone. then again, we’ll be watching goblet of fire together. haha. well, i have run out of ideas.

zoo? she says it sucks.
ice-skating? troublesome. wet floor. and she’ll just fall in her ass millions of time.
bowling? she doesn’t play. same with other sports. sigh.

haih. despite all these, i still feel drawn. maybe it’s a mental connection?

i dunno. maybe i should step back and let these feelings subside and just be good friends with her.

or should i go and risk it all? i mean she acts as if i had a chance….then at the same time just makes it seem that she’s just having fun and entering a relationship is not worth the shot.

yes, mixed signals. gah…thinking of the situation just makes me feel lost.

i have this poster in my study area.

it says…

Take risks: If you win, you will be happy. If you lose, you will be wise. Nothing ventured, Nothing gained.

maybe i should just follow it. not because penguins are in the poster…lol. but ya, you live only once.

**

in another news, i’m happy to find that i have good rapport with certain teachers. mentors i believe they will become. i think we all need mentors.

yeah. i also need to do a life audit. see where my life is heading. the future. what do i really want? who am i? what do i value? what do i want to leave mankind with? How to make the best of this gift of life i’m given?

cuz often i just feel i’m no longer playing by my rules. just drifting to what society and external influences feel i should do. something like a puppet. they have drawn my future for me. it’s all well meaning ….but it just doesn’t ring “I did it my way….” lol@frank sinatra. i remember we had to sing that song in front of the class. one stanza i had to individually sing. and yes, i was off-rhythm. too fast i sang my part. haha